Surprise, Surprise

Welcome to the final segment of It’s Ok to Let Go, a virtual exhibition about the art of loss. In the first part of the exhibition, I introduced works by Tracey Emin, María Teresa Hincapié and others who turned their losses into ritual. The second part of the exhibition was my personal photo essay on saying goodbye with a disposable camera.

And now we’re here, at the part of the museum where your feet ache, your stomach’s grumbling, and you're wondering if you can handle one more room. At first glance, this part of the museum doesn’t fit in – it’s a little modern, a little random, there are unboxing videos involved . . . and we’ll get to that. But first, a surprise. 

You know how sometimes, if you’re in a particularly lost time of life, you start looking for signs in everything? The number 44 spells caution. A rabbit is a cosmic thumbs-up. Anyone in a Chicago Bulls t-shirt is a reminder that the past is always waving back. 

Maybe you know someone like this, or maybe you know someone who takes sign-searching even farther – to a realm that’s not exactly a point of no return but is pretty far out. So far out that this person, who used to just look for signs, now finds herself in her mom’s attic on a bleak January morning trying to bend her own fate. This person should be working from home, but instead she’s huddled under a blanket in front of a laptop, custom-designing a necklace on Etsy with the word Surprise on it.

Surprise, surprise – that person is me. By the time I found myself in the attic, the new year had just begun and I was deep into a season of disillusionment. I was tired of my job, my apartment, my routine of walking my hyper-active dog and believing that this time my mug of coffee wouldn’t go flying everywhere the second she pulled the leash. 

(future me on my same bullshit)

The definition of insanity, some say, is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. In making my Surprise necklace, I was asking for change. I wanted to set a new tone for the year, one that would bring a little sparkle to my life. 

Some people also say that you should be careful what you wish for. 

The surprises rolled in. A trip to visit a friend was canceled. Some perfect apartments fell through. I got a surprise charge on a rental car. I was surprised when I woke up one morning and decided to quit my job. Even more surprised when afterward, instead of traveling around the world, I hung around Berlin. There was the surprise of learning to swim and the bigger surprise of craving cold water. I was surprised when my rent went up. Surprised when a story I’d given up on was accepted by a magazine. Surprised when I lost my passport. And my keys. And my fear of leaving voice memos. Surprised when my dog jumped on me and broke my Surprise necklace. Surprised when I soldered it back together. Surprised when, a few weeks later, it broke again

Maybe this was a sign that I needed to put the breaks on surprises. 

(RIP to a real one)

But it wasn’t for me to decide when the surprises were over. Being in a transition, I’ve realized how little control I have and also how much that unsettles me. Even the word “surprise” is unsettling, rooted in the French word for “overtake,” like a sneak attack. No wonder so many people hate surprises. And being an adult, it seems like mosts surprises – even the good ones – carry the weight of expectation or anxiety. I hope she likes my gift or I hope I won’t be disappointed in whatever she got for me. I’d hoped my Surprise necklace would bring sparkle to my life, but instead, it became another reminder that surprises come with a surprising amount baggage. 

But I don’t think it was always like this. As a kid, a surprise was a prize inside a Kinder Egg or the treasure chest at the dentist’s office. It wasn’t the toy itself that mattered most but the joy of the unexpected, the thrill of discovery. Looking back, I can’t remember a single surprise I got in a Happy Meal, but I remember the buzz of opening the paper bag. I was less focused on the outcome and more on the moment when not knowing what would happen next was actually the exciting part 🦄

I think the key to rediscovering that magic feeling – and getting more comfortable with uncertainty – has something to do with embracing low expectations and high curiosity. Over the last weeks, I’ve been trying to allow these conditions to present themselves in my life. I went on walks with no clear destination, let someone else order food for me – and then I found the vending machine.

Actually, the vending machine found me (of course). I got a notification on Reddit that said a company called Secret Packs was setting up vending machines around the city. These machines are not full of candy or drinks, but lost packages that never made their way to the intended recipients.

Lost packages are not surprising. Ever since I moved to Berlin, I’ve had trouble getting packages delivered. They often end up with neighbors, rerouted to convenience stores or just disappear. I’m not the only one losing mail; there are dozens of Secret Packs machines in Germany.

And this is Berlin so there are some….interesting packages delivered here. But apparently they’re checked for illicit items before being put in the machines. People who’ve tried their luck have gotten packages with Hawaiian shirts, iPhones, computer parts, pink shoes, sparkly dresses . . . All items cost 10-15 euros. There’s no guarantee you’ll get something good, but it’s a fun alternative to everything being sent to the landfill.

So I decided to check it out. I went to a machine and bought some packages, and today I’m going to do a little unboxing video. Since I’m still a lost person looking for signs, I can’t help but think that whatever is inside is a sign from the universe ✨

Let’s see what I got! 

* CORRECTIONS * 😋

And with that, you’ve reached the end of this virtual exhibition. But you can always go back to the beginning to see some great artwork or revisit last week’s photo essay

I hope you got something out of this, and if not, there’s always the gift shop. That’s coming soon in my next post 😉